My Entomophobia
by HotCrossPigeon
Summary: An unfortunate incident on the roof with a naive JD, a disgruntled Dr Cox, the Janitor and a strange box full of…? based on something said during the episode My Day At The Races. JD owwies.


_Disclaimer: I don't own Scrubs, in fact I don't own much at all._

_Just giving myself a break from_ It Could Be Worse, _and stretching out the old writing muscles. So, this is a pointless one-shot based on something said on the show during _My Day At The Races_… when JD's got his things-to-do-before-turning-thirty list._

_Thanks go to _iluvdimples314_ for finding a mistake for me._

My Entomophobia

………

………

_Janitor's POV_

So I was mopping my way up the second floor… which is a strange occurrence in itself because most days I like to put on my squirrel slippers, get all soapy, and just skate up and down. I find that it really brings out the shine on these laminate floorings, plus those slippers are really comfy. I always knew those squirrels were destined for better things in the afterlife.

Anywho, while I was mopping, I overheard a particularly interesting conversation between Scooter and that black surgeon with the bowling-ball shaped head.

I'd previously found out that Scooter was turning 30 – who'd'a thunk it? And I hadn't got him a suitable birthday present yet, which was rather rude of me. I had to rectify that. Hence my skilful snooping and following him around. Well yeah okay, I always do that, but this particular time I had a proper purpose.

What kind of friend would I be if I didn't get him a present for the big three O? No kind of friend that was for sure, it was despicable.

Black doctor was reading Scooter's list out loud. "Dude," he said, "you haven't done anything on this list! How could you never've slept naked on a hammock?"

And Scooter replied with a very _intriguing_ answer.

I hid in the shadows just out of sight, behind a wall. My ears perked up as if I knew that a bit of prime gold Scooter-trap material was about to be revealed. As usual, my tingly spider sense was right.

"I'm afraid of dragonflies…" said Scooter.

Hmm… I held the mop handle to chin in thought. Perfect.

And so here I am now, a box of dragonflies under my arm and my sneakiest look on my face. This has taken quite some planning… and yeah, so, I'm well aware that Scooter's birthday has already passed - but do you know how hard it is to buy a whole box of dragonflies off the interweb?

No, I guess you don't. So don't go judging.

They arrived a couple of days ago, and so the plan shall go ahead this very afternoon. 12 o'clock to be precise. Scooter's not gonna know what hit him… Well no, he will know what's hit him and he's gonna be scared shitless.

Heh – it's sure gonna be a good day today!

………

_JD's POV_

There's a banner hanging outside Sacred Heart today; a banner reserved for me. I park Sasha and remove my helmet, eyes round with awe.

"Scooter." It says in bright blue lettering - that's been painted on a bed sheet by the looks of it, and is rippling in the early morning breeze. "Roof. 12:00. Surprise."

Hmm…

I put on my pondering face. That's the Janitor's doing no doubt. And although I am a sucker for surprises, I won't be going up to the roof any time soon. I'm not _that_ silly... He'd probably kidnap me, cover me in honey and leave me in the zoo somewhere.

I hope he's not planning to dump me in the gopher enclosure, because despite their fluffy cute faces, I really don't like those little critters. They seem to get strangely attracted to my hair mousse.

Mmm, but who can blame them, it _does_ smell like a tropical ocean paradise.

I run my fingers through my coconut smelling locks, and stride through the doors of Scared Heart.

"Hey Scooter." Says the Janitor, leaning casually on the wall.

"Hey Janitor." I reply absentmindedly, continuing on to the nurse's station. I hitch my backpack higher up onto my back, my mind on other things. When I get to my destination, I freeze and backtrack through my mind.

Wait a darn minute.

That was _weird_. The Janitor greeted me, and there was no tripping, no tackling, no snide remarks… I look around me, paranoid that Janitor ninjas are going to come pouncing from the walls and ceiling with wooden swords and those nifty metal disc things that get flung into people's ankles.

But there's no one around. Well, no one but patients and nurses and doctors going about patient and nurse and doctor things. Huh.

"What's wrong Bambi?" Carla coos at me, leaning over the counter of the nurse's station, with her special motherly look that she reserves just for me.

"The Janitor," I say incredulously, and with a small hopeful smile, "he actually didn't try to kill me when I saw him."

Carla raises her eyebrows slightly and hands me my files, "That's nice sweetie." She says.

I guess she doesn't understand the relationship I have with the Janitor. Or maybe, just maybe, under the Janitor's rough and frankly quite creepy exterior beats a fluffy marshmallow-y core.

Maybe the surprise on the roof is a good surprise? Dare I think it…?

Well… I'm not gonna take any chances with that just yet, we'll just have to see if he tries any funny stuff later on. By funny stuff I mean maiming and/or humiliating me. It's only 6:15 am, there's over five hours for him to blow his cover.

Ooh, I hope he's got me a pony! Or a candyfloss man. Or both. I try to stop imagining how good a unicorn with a candy mane would look, but it's in my vision everywhere I turn.

I can almost smell the sugar, "Oh blessed sweet tingly goodness." I whisper, eyelids fluttering as the dream unicorn sweeps me up onto its back and we go galloping over a rainbow, me holding tight onto the sticky candy floss mane.

"Dear god Janice, ple-_hease_ tell me that's not drool."

I open my eyes quickly, wiping at my mouth with my scrubs top.

"I'm not drooling." I defend, dropping my arm back to my side, and hoping that the wet marks on it don't show up.

Nothing escapes Dr Cox's eagle eyes. "What was it that's got you all weak at the knees there Harriet?" he growls, arms folded. "The new hottie boy band on the block whose poster ya just so happen to have stuck up on your ceiling so they watch you while ya sleep? Or is it my rock hard physique that you seem to be ogling at?"

I can't help myself, I wish my muscles could ripple like that… or well, I wish I had muscles in the first place. Maybe he'd let me work out with him..? He's still speaking, better focus on anything but his muscles that I seem to be staring at again. Oopsie.

"Yeah Newbie, my _face_ is up _here_."

"It's none of those things actually." I say honestly, blinking at him.

Dr Cox raises his eyebrows. "_Or,_" he says, mouth turning up in disgust, "is it that damn candy unicorn ya love fantasizing about so much Princess?"

I blush. He knows me too well, no matter how he'd like to think otherwise. "The unicorn." I mumble, looking away.

"Yeah. What are ya?" Dr Cox doesn't wait for an answer, nodding expectantly at me and motioning with his hands. "A girl. Say it with me Newbie. You are?"

I sigh. "I'm a girl, I get it."

But I just can't stop thinking about the surprise. I love surprises. Well, not all surprises, I mean I love _good_ surprises. Any surprises to do with unicorns, pancakes, some type of candy, appletinis, trampolines and of course unisex bath products, are classed as good surprises.

Oh, if it's one of those cool beanbag chairs I may wet myself with glee!

Whoa, stop right there J-dizzle, let's not get too excited – the Janitor may still want to hideously disfigure your face. Which… I think is what Dr Cox is shouting at me right now.

"- repulsively mangled in the see out of one ear, hear out of the new hole I'm gonna open in your jaw, kinda way. Got that Susan?"

I pout a little because I don't like it when Dr Cox gets mad... which means I don't like it most of the time, seeing as he's almost always angry at me for something. I'm still hoping he's just hiding the fatherly love for me beneath that façade of hatred and repulsion he seems to express whenever he sees me.

"I got it Dr Cox!" I spout out with a smile.

Dr Cox just rolls his eyes, dumps some more patient files on my unsuspecting arms and stalks off.

………

The day has passed me by, one minute I'm five hours away from the surprise and the next I'm five minutes. That's what happens when you're a doctor, there are so many patients to see and so little time to see them, and my day has been so choc a bloc that my head's beginning to hurt. Now do I escape for a few minutes for the surprise on my lunch break? Or not?

"Turk," I say hurriedly; we're walking down the corridor together, me looking longingly in his eyes while he snarfs down a burger, "I need some advice."

"What's up Vanilla bear?" he asks around a big mouthful.

I make a confused face; it always amazes me how my chocolate bear can manage to eat absolutely anywhere, even in motion. "How can you eat when we're walking C-bear?"

Turk punches a hand into the air, "Practice!" he says triumphantly. "Right man I gotta go - surgery soon. See ya later player!"

Oh. Before I know it, he's gone and the doors ahead of me are swinging closed in his wake. I didn't even get around to asking my question. Why on earth would Turk think I needed advice on how to eat while walking?

Although I did choke on that peanut the other day when I ran too fast…

Well anyway, that mini chat with Turk took away some very valuable pondering time and now it's nearly twelve o'clock. What am I going to do? Who else do I go to for advice?

I snap my fingers. Of course!

I find my mentor in one of his usual haunts on the second floor. He has his back to me, flipping through a comatose patient's chart as I sidle in through the door.

He'll know what to do; he's practically the oracle, albeit in a rather grouchy form. "Hey, Dr Cox!"

Dr Cox groans and turns his head back to glare at me with what I like to call his Coxian go-away-or-I'll-snap-your-neck glare. "You better not be bothering me there, Belinda."

I persist. "Have you got a minute? I need some advice."

A growl. I monitor the growl on my growl-omitor and it seems to be a rather angry one. However, I still go ahead with my question. Because that's just what I do.

I smile a little, coming up beside him, "The thing is Dr Cox," I start brightly, my fingers fiddling anxiously with the hem of my scrubs top, "the Janitor's got some surprise for me up on the roof, and I've gotta make a decision on whether I want to go up there and risk my life or not – see, what if it's a pony? Or a bean bag chair? Then I'd be missing out on a great surprise! But on the other hand, the Janitor's not known for his kind deeds, so he might just want to get me up on the roof so he can _kill_ me… I dunno. What should I do?"

Something hits me in the face. Hard. Owwie.

I look down at it on the floor, blinking away the pain, and realise it's the patient chart that Dr Cox was holding.

I bend down to pick it up and get an eyeful of Dr Cox's red angry face. See this is a prime example of what I like to call the Coxian –

"Never, ne-_hever_ ask me for advice for anything un-hospital related again Newbie. You wanna know what I think? Other than the fact that I just don't give a _rat's ass_, I think you should go up on that roof and jump the hell off of it! Now would ya just get outta here so I can do my damn job without having to worry about turning around and being greeted with your sorry excuse for a face?"

Well… that's an answer right? The roof it is.

"Thanks Dr Cox." I say chirpily, and check the clock quickly. I'm a little late, so I better hurry up there before my surprise wanders away and tries to nibble on something.

………

_Janitor's POV_

Scooter fell for my devilishly dastardly plan. I resist the urge to cackle evilly, because although I've been practicing in the mirror, that would give away my position. I've got to lull the target into a false sense of security just like the summer of '94.

I've laid out a trail of jellybeans which should keep said target occupied for a while… _aha_, I'm right.

"What flavour _are_ the white ones?" Scooter mumbles, picking them up as he walks along. Ah this is just too easy; it's like setting a squirrel trap. You know, except without the anticipation of gaining a new friend and stuffed rodent minion for my army…

I've been starving the dragonflies so that they're extra ravenous when they attack Scooter. I peek into the box – and yeah, all right, so some of them are a bit… dead. But the others look like they're ready to kill. That feisty looking one trying to fly out of the box - that's Frankie. Frankie's my favourite. I'll be sad to let him go but as it's all in the spirit of scaring Scooter, I can live with it.

So this is the grand plan: I wait 'til Scooter follows my trail of jellybeans to the other side of the roof. There I'll release the dragonflies, which in turn, will scare the crap outta him, causing him to scream like the girl that he is.

Then I snap a quick photo for my Humiliating Scooter wall, and go back to pretending to work. It's foolproof. And I think you'll agree, also quite ingenious.

………

_JD's POV_

So here I am on the roof, with a big smile, a heart fluttering with excitement, and a mind full of the wonders of surprises.

Someone's left out some jellybeans which amuse me for a little bit; I mean the white ones are a mix of coconut-y pineapple-y lemon-y-ness. What flavour _are_ they exactly? I don't think anyone actually knows; guess it's just one of life's great mysteries…

I look around the vast expanse of the roof, and make my way to one of the sides, peering about to see if there are any ponies up here. Hmm… perhaps this is one of the Janitor's pranks after all; I probably should head back down before a truckload of manure drops down from the heavens.

I move to turn back, but that's when it happens. Dragonflies, zillions of them – a big swarm headed right for me! Holy -

"_Dude, you haven't done anything on this list! How could you never've slept naked on a hammock?"_

"_I'm afraid of dragon flies…"_

- that was an odd flashback. What are the chances of finding a whole swarm of dragonflies on the roof only a week after revealing my fear? In any case, those scaly winged demons scare the bejeebers outta me!

They're on me! They're in my hair - dear god, they're in my _hair_! Get them off!

………

_Dr Cox's POV_

I see the janitor with a box that says 'killer dragonflies' on the side of it, now if that's not suspicious I don't know what the hell is.

So I decide to follow him up to the roof and see what prank has befallen Newbie… then laugh at the girly idiot, and then go back and you know, do doctor things, and drag Consuela down with me once he's stopped screaming and/or pulling manure out of his hair.

Well, when I say I decide to follow the Janitor - I really mean I decide to trudge behind him while he legs it up there three steps at a time. Seems pretty excited.

I swing open the door to the roof, and step out, ready to get in on whatever Lurch has planned for Newbie. It's gotta be something good, the idiot was grinning from ear to ear and muttering "Frankie's gonna get in his eyes" to himself. Whatever the hell that means.

The roof's empty except for Priscilla. I mean for God's sake, trust him to actually come up here despite it being the completely idiotic thing to do.

I'm just in time to see Newbie wave his arms about screaming "Ah! Dragonflies! There on me!" before he yelps in that ridiculously girly way he does and steps back to the roof edge.

I grin a little; I mean come on, who knew Clarice was afraid of dragonflies of all things? Ya know, on top of everything else he's afraid of… pennies being one of them if I remember correctly… even though I do try and block out most of the utter drivel that spurts out whenever he opens that yapper of his.

I gotta hand it to Jumpsuit, where the hell exactly did he manage to get a box full of dragonflies anyway?

I'm grinning contentedly to myself, with my hands in the pockets of my white coat. And then Newbie has to go and ruin it by stepping back one step too far -

………

_JD's POV_

The next thing I know there's a wall pressing into the back of my legs, but I've scrambled back too far, and in my haste to get away my momentum's become too much.

Oh – they're crawling _and_ flying! Get them off me!

I – I'm tipping over backwards, right over the wall, arms trying to cover my precious hair from the offending bugs. I think I hear a familiar voice yelling at me, but I don't really care at the moment because there are _dragonflies_!

And then just like that I'm falling. Right off the roof.

It's a strange sensation, falling. I've done it many times, but it's only ever been a short fall - like when the Janitor waxes the floor or when Dr Cox pushes me out of the way with one of his infamous shoulder bumps. But never like this.

………

_Janitor's POV_

Whoops.

………

_Dr Cox's POV_

- One damn step too far. I can see it before it happens but I'm too far away to do anything. God damn it, why was he so stupid as to think the Janitor would want to get him up here for anything other than to kill him?

Newbie stumbles back, his legs hit the wall, but he's so caught up in the bugs swarming around his head that he doesn't realise in time.

"Newbie!" I yell as he tumbles right off the roof.

Shit! I'm running to the edge as fast as my legs can take me. "Newbie!"

I almost expect him to be clinging to the edge with his girly fingertips, waiting for some knight in shining armour to come pull him back up. But he isn't.

Shit – roof – five stories – there's a fifty percent chance he's one very dead Newbie. I brace myself and look, heart thumping wildly in my ears.

He's snagged the banner on his way down; it's ripped in two and billowing in the way of my frantic eyes. I growl and am ready to leap down there myself, but then I see him.

Shit.

Before I know it, I'm running, flinging the door open and jumping down the stairs a flight at a time, out, past the nurse's station. I bark orders at every member of staff I see.

Then I'm out in the parking lot, breathing hard, white coat flapping, and there's Newbie. Lying on the ground, on a piece of ripped banner with "Scooter" written on it.

He's still goddamn conscious. I can't see anything wrong immediately, but he hasn't moved yet and the damn kid's got his eyes squeezed shut tight. I think that's "Owwie" he's moaning to himself. Yeah kid, that just about sums it up. Ya idiot.

I kneel beside him, hand immediately going to his neck to check his pulse. "Newbie, what hurts?" I ask urgently.

He doesn't answer, so I repeat myself, calmly. Well okay, not calmly in the slightest. It's more of a shout really.

"Dor… ox," Newbie says breathily, eyelids opening only to start slipping closed, "on… me?"

"What?" I check him over, shouting at the people who have formed a semi-circle around us to gawp and gossip. For God's sake, the kid's just fallen off a roof, you'd think someone in this hellhole would think to go and get help!

Newbie grips my hand suddenly, and I glance up at his blue eyes as they crease in pain.

"What is it kid?" I ask gruffly.

God damn it, but my heart flutters as he tries to move his free hand up to his head.

Shit. Did he crack his skull? He just fell _five stories_, which is quite some dramatic exit I can tell ya, and yeah, the banner sure slowed his fall a little, but if he hit his head there could be a serious head wound. Concussion. Brain damage.

"Newbie? Come on kid," I tell him, gripping his hand back, "just tell me what's wrong." My eyes flit over him, I can't see – well shit, his arm's definitely broken.

"My… my h…" Florence gasps pathetically, clutching at my wrist with white fingers.

"Your head?" Shit. It's his head, isn't it? I've spent all this time training up my very own lapdoggy protégé and he's gone and given himself brain damage. Shit.

Newbie shakes his head. "No…" he manages, his eyes are wide and blue and pleading. "My… my hair…. Dr Cox, are the dragonflies...in my _hair_?"

I swear to god I almost punch him.

He falls five stories and all he can think about is his _hair_?

And, hell, before I think about it I actually do punch him - can't stop myself. The absolute _idiot_.

The stretcher comes and lifts Newbie outta my sight, which is probably a good thing because I might give him a black eye to match the other he's sporting if I get too close.

Newbie's gal pals are running after the stretcher, Carla all in a tizzy over her Bambi, and Ghandi's face all white at the thought that anything should happen to his other girlfriend.

I breathe a big shuddering sigh, not that I was worried in the slightest, because I sure as _hell_ wasn't, just, ah... shit, I'm relieved.

Lord knows where Blondie is… I think I'll stay out here for a bit, 'cause when she finds out what happened to her part time sex toy, no-_ho_body's ears will be safe from the screeching.

I rub my hands over my face roughly and look up to the sky. If there was a god up there he'd be laughing down at me right now. He's one cruel bastard.

I don't see anyone up in the clouds. But I do see a certain jumpsuit peering over the roof at the crowd that has gathered below, and I have half the mind to go up there and dropkick him over the edge.

………

_Janitor's POV_

So yeah, I admit that my seemingly harmless prank nearly killed my arch nemesis, but I'd _also_ like to point out that only idiots fall off roofs, and it was my conveniently placed banner that ended up saving this particular idiot's life.

So really, I'm the hero of this tale. And Scooter's the idiot. And angry doctor is just a guy who keeps giving me looks that say I'm-going-to-kill-you in a hundred different ways. A man after my own heart.

Scooter seems to have a bit of a following actually. Black shiny head doctor came up to me while I was minding my own business and threatened to shove my mop somewhere painful.

I told him that would be an inappropriate use for a mop.

He didn't take that kindly.

Hmmph. Then Scary nurse came and took him away, but she slapped me pretty hard while she was doing it. I may have upset a few people… but whatcha gonna do?

Well, I don't think I'll be pulling as ingenious a prank as that one on Scooter again, if only because it seems to upset blonde doctor, and she's less likely to accept a date from me if I accidently kill her best friend again… but it doesn't mean that I can't hit him Scooter the face with my mop once in a while… if his weird family aren't looking that is.

In fact, here Scooter comes now. He's on one shiny crutch, something to do with a busted ankle from falling off a roof because he's an idiot, and his arm's in a sling too... it's quite funny looking at him try and walk... and he's got one almighty shiner from when angry doctor got, well, angry I guess. He looks sad.

I decide that the only way to put things right between us is to apologise.

"Hey. Scooter. Come over here." I say, nodding at him. He eyes me warily, but crutch-steps over looking a bit sorry for himself.

"Yeah?" he asks, timid as a mouse. Aw, he shouldn't be scared around me; it's not as if I'm gonna chuck him off another roof or anything.

"Just thought I'd let you know that… well…" I pause and then just say it, because hell, it'll probably freak him out even more than anything I've done to him before. "I'm sorry Scooter." I say with an honest nod.

Scooter's shocked for a little while, before his face breaks out into a wide open smile. "That's all right." He says, looking a little relieved that I haven't called him over to try to kill him again. "Just, you know, would you mind laying off me for a bit while I get back on my feet?" He gestures to his shiny new crutch here and shifts his weight.

I smile back. "Sure, 'course I can. No problem Scooter." Because, I may be a dastardly devious criminal mastermind, but even I know that a wounded enemy is a no-fun enemy.

"Really?" He looks like I just got him a pony – with his blue eyes all wide, silly Scooter. He's beaming from ear to ear. Maybe he's gonna ask me to be his best friend or something; well, that wasn't gonna happen. I could never do that to Frankie…

He's still smiling at me.

I start to get suspicious, because Scooter's smile isn't going away no matter how much I frown at it. He's up to something… he wants to bunk Frankie off doesn't he…? Just who does Scooter think he is, trying to replace my faithful dragonfly friend! I narrow my eyes and cling to my mop... He must have been planning this all along.

I simply can't have this.

I mean, who would feed Frankie if we weren't best friends? Who would teach Frankie how to open doors with credit cards? And just _who_ exactly would help me get my kite out of a tree if Frankie wasn't around?

Nobody that was who. This whole 'being nice' thing was a bad idea from the start.

And so, even though my friendship with Scooter has been all of five seconds, I just can't help myself.

"On second thought, I still don't like you very much." I say to Scooter and watch with satisfaction as his smile slowly wilts and dies. I shrug at him. "And me and you, we're just born to be mortal enemies… So I'm watching you. If you come anywhere near Frankie… I'll _kill_ you."

Scooter looks suitably terrified. See, I feel much better already.

"But -" he starts hesitantly.

So I shove my mop straight into his face. He falls over backwards with a thump, blinking his blue eyes as his crutch goes flying across the floor. "Oh, and you tell anyone that I'm going to kill you and… I'll kill you for that too. Just in general, you put a toe out of line and zip, you get it. Dead. Or maimed, I haven't decided yet. Okey dokey? Bye bye Scooter." I sweep my dripping mop over his face again for good measure as I head down the corridor, whistling to myself.

"Owwie..." I hear Scooter moan.

And all is right with the world.

………

………

_The end. Please review._


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